Miss Elly: 8月 2022

How to Listen - Katie Colombus

talking about difficult topics and letting people say their biggest worry out loud can really help them process what they are feeling
believe that a person will find their own answers when they're ready to, in their own time
show that you care, to show warmth, and to be there
give your full, undivided attention, put away your phone
ask open questions and be interested in the answers
allow pauses / silence to give speaker the space to organize thoughts
let the other person take the lead
speak in a slower, calmer and more collected way
try to talk when going for a walk side-by-side may help the speaker open up
check you have understood by saying it back
have a genuine interest in the other person
Educate yourself around things like panic attacks and anxiety

I acknowledge that you feel stressed.
That must be hard.
It's absolutely normal that you would feel this way.
There's nothing wrong with whatever it is that you're going through.
Can you tell me why you feel like that?
What does that mean for you?
Tell me what your experiences are. What is that like for you?
How does that feel fo ryou?
What does that do for you?
How do you think you are going to get through this?
How are you going to help yourself?
Can you think of anything that might make you feel better?
Do you have any ways of feeling less worried about the situation?
Do you think there is anything you could do to change the situation?
How effective do you think that would be?
What would be the best realistic outcome for you, do you think?
Do you think you're going to be OK to carry on for the rest of the day or the rest of the evening?

talk about yourself too much
assume you know what people are truly thinking and what they're really worried about; or that you know what is right for them
offering advice about their problem
telling them what you once did in a similar situation
giving them tips on what works well fo ryou
trying to think of a solution - telling them what to do will push the person away by implying you don't trust them to do it themselves
judge the situation first, to decide whether or not you agree with them
use your own experience, seeing the problem from your own point of view and projecting that back on to the person you're speaking with
Try to pull them out of the 'pit' - they may actually experience the kind of care and help that friends and family try to give them as a form of judgement, because their friends and family want them to be a particular way - to be happy, and feel better, and function normally.
be afraid to say the words 'suicide' or 'self-harm'. Speaking them out loud show that there is no judgement on your part and will not lead to it happening.
be scared of discussing 'bad' things, thinking that talking about them might just encourage the other person to wallow in them.

'Do this, try that, I found this helpful,' because invariably, the listener don't care.
Why don't you change univerisites or get a job?
'Just cheer up' - it can make them feel 10 times worse because it totally invalidates the strength of their feelings
'It could be worse' - it can make them feel worthless
Be careful with 'why' questions as they can sometimes suggest judgement. Instead of 'Why did you do that', try saying 'What made you choose that?' or 'What were you thinkin about at that time?'
'Yeah, but my experience was way worse than that.'
'Oh, life's not so bad'
'No, you are not worthless! You're amazing, you're wonderful!' - basically you are telling that person 'I disagree with you'
'You're the only one who can change how you're feeling.'
'I told you so.'

Chronic stress affect brain size, function and structure. It increases the size o fthe amygdala and reduces the size of other parts of the brain involved in rational thought and planning.
Box breathing:

Muscle relaxation exercise
There seems to be a gap in the help that's available for people reaching out for support with their mental health. On one side there are clinical mental health services which concerns symptoms, behaviours, medicalised intervention and treatment. On the other side you have well-meaning friends or family members who try to find a solution as quickly as possible.
Coping mechanism activities:

Miss Elly